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Picture this: You’re a 20-year-old woman in college and looking for a relationship. After quite a long time of being single, you take a chance and step onto the playing field. Someone you know from campus messages you, you hit it off, and everything seems perfect.

You drive over to his house and decide to pop in a movie. He lets you pick your favorite film. He pulls you closer to him as soon as it starts. You make it to the last scene of the movie without him kissing you. The big kiss for the characters in the movie happens to be the same time as your first kiss.

The credits start to roll and you’re still kissing. This kiss isn’t just a kiss anymore; it leads to more. Very quickly, a couple of soft kisses turn into making out.

He moves his hands and reaches for second base, as some might say. You move his hands off your body and keep kissing him, creating the boundary of what is and is not OK. He makes the move again. You move his hand again. This happens multiple times until you give up.

He goes to unbutton your jeans. You let it happen because ‘this is college.’ He pulls your jeans down, and you are now submissive, letting him have what he wants.

You adjust your body and let him move as he pleases. You clench your fist as you keep kissing him. He guides your hand to exactly where he wants it, and you start to reciprocate while clenching your jaw. Your arms get tangled, so he switches positions and gets on top of you. You immediately shift so that he can’t continue his attempt to pleasure you, and you stop reciprocating. You stop kissing him back, and then a word comes out of his mouth: “Please?”

You don’t respond, you just shake your head no. He says it again, and this time you actually answer, “Noooooooooo.” You kiss him but, he pulls away to ask again and you reply with the same answer.

“Are you really going to leave me like this?”

It doesn’t take long, and once you are done, you sit up looking for your jeans. He stands up and slides his shorts back on before tossing you your pants. You put them on and try to piece yourself back together, fixing your hair and adjusting your top. You crack a joke to lighten the mood. Following him back up the stairs, he leads you out the door. He gives you a quick kiss goodbye, and now it is time for you to go. You find yourself confused and wondering, Was I just sexually assaulted?

According to the United States Department of Justice, sexual assault is “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) reports that this happens to someone every 98 seconds in America. RAINN also reports that nine out of every 10 rape victims are female. These statistics are based on sexual assaults that are officially reported.

Corrine Werder of Go Magazine writes that “Persistence, when someone has said ‘no’ either verbally or nonverbally, is 100 percent, coercion. It’s non-consensual.”

Similarly, Eden Strong of Bustle writes, “Sexual coercion is a tricky thing to define — so it scares me that we aren’t talking about it more. Because when it really comes down to it, we need more than just knowledge about what constitutes rape; we need a greater understanding of everything that can happen between ‘yes’ and ‘no,’ so that we can feel confident that we are only saying ‘yes’ to sex because we truly want to.”

Body language and nonverbal cues are also crucial to pay attention to. People can sometimes give a verbal ‘yes,’ but may not actually be comfortable doing something. Part of being a respectful partner is being perceptive enough to know how someone is feeling, not necessarily just what they are saying. Strong also writes, “Why aren’t we educating people about the times when ‘yes’ might not actually mean ‘yes?’”

Grand View students were asked to weigh in on the consent definition dialogue.

Adriana Rodriguez: “Consent for me is having control of myself, saying ‘yes’ to something that I want to do.”

Hannah Haworth: “Consent is an agreement between two people that something is OK, and it’s constantly revisited and discussed to make sure that both parties are still in agreement.”

Alex Kostyzak: “Consent is a mutual agreement.”

Taylor Meador: “Consent is communication. You have to constantly be aware and ask if moving forward is acceptable, and ‘no’ at any point means stopping completely. The answer isn’t going to change.”

John Chamone: “(Consent is) the ability to have self-control.”

We had Grand View students take a consent quiz from pauseplaystop.org. The quiz gave each student five scenarios in which the two individuals would either continue to have sex or stop based on whether or not consent was given. Out of seven students that took the quiz, only three scored a five out of five.

Kenlyn Gordon is a licensed Mental Health Counselor at Grand View University and also practices privately in Ankeny. In addition, she is a project coordinator for a federal grant from the Office for Violence Against Women. Consent education is an important part of her work.

“I can’t stress enough how important it is for everyone to be educated around sexual violence,” Gordon said. “Consent is not feeling pressured to say ‘yes.’ If you do feel pressured, it’s not consent. It is never the person’s fault that is feeling pressured. You could communicate (boundaries) so well, and they could still choose to pressure (you).”

Grand View student Blake Beaune explained how consent can be confusing.

“I think consent can be sometimes confusing when you enter … the ‘gray area.’ To me, this is when you receive an audible ‘yes’ from whoever you are trying to engage in sexual activity with, but you catch signs through their body language for the most part, guys are respectful of others and have the integrity and awareness to make sure they are having a consensual sexual relationship,” Beaune said. “However, there are unfortunately some men out there who think that they can get away with not getting consent.”

This begs the question of what can be done to help the current state of sexual assault in our society. What if the conversation flipped to focus on what potential offenders and victims can do on the front end of assault? Primary prevention is a new term used to describe measures taken to help men and women understand how to stop a sexual assault or rape beforehand. Colorado State University’s website defines primary prevention as “educational efforts attempting to intervene in the behaviors of potential perpetrators before a sexual assault takes place.”

The website also states: “We know that over 98% of violence is committed by people who identify as male. Therefore, it is not uncommon for primary prevention programs to be targeted towards men. Some of these programs may include men’s groups or activities that begin to unpack violence in hegemonic masculinity.”

Grand View student Jake Thompson is a member of the newly formed Engaging Men group. According to Thompson, the group advocates for healthy relationships, masculinity and sexual responsibility.

“When I talked with (Engaging Men founder) Kent (Schornack), I really identified with his values of what it means to be a man and creating a positive image of masculinity,” Thompson said. “I wanted to create a different mentality and be a part of something bigger than treating women as objects or being irresponsible when there’s a chance to be responsible.”

Engaging Men is focused on upholding core values of humility, integrity, sexual responsibility and protection.

“I don’t think that I have all of the answers to every question concerning consent, rape, sexual assault and other topics of this nature,” said Beaune, who is also a member of Engaging Men. “That’s another thing that I love about our Engaging Men group. It challenges our points of view, in a way, and forces us to self-reflect, grow internally and become stronger men.”

The Grand View University counseling office has leaned into the idea of actively warding against sexual assault before a potential offense presents itself. According to a handout distributed by Grand View counseling, there are four main ways that everyone can help prevent sexual assault from even happening in the first place.

The first way to reduce the risk of sexual assault or rape occurring is to “Check in with your friends. If you see one of your friends being inappropriate or crossing another’s physical/emotional boundaries, check in with them and communicate what is wrong with that behavior. If you think one of your friends may be too intoxicated or feeling uncomfortable, check in! Take them to the bathroom to talk or create a distraction to get them away from the other person.”

Another way to help reduce risk revolves around knowing your alcohol limit. The handout states, “Know your limit when it comes to alcohol. Know when to stop. Your body metabolizes about one standard drink per hour, which = 12 oz. of regular beer, 1.5 oz. of 80 proof liquor, or 5 oz. of table wine. Alcohol use increases your risk of engaging in sexual behavior that harms another person.”

According to the handout, all types of communication play a huge role in giving and receiving consent: “Decide how far you are willing to go sexually (i.e. sexual acts you will and won’t do). Communicate those limits clearly to your partner. Also ask your partner how far they are willing to go and respect their limits and boundaries.”

Finally, the handout suggests simply asking permission, stating “If you want to have sex with someone, ask permission! Get enthusiastic, ongoing consent! Check in with your partner throughout. Getting consent and checking in can sound like, ‘Is this OK?’ ‘Do you like this?’ ‘Let me know if you want me to stop’ or ‘Does that feel good?’”

Many colleges and universities around the country are informing their students about risk reduction and/or primary prevention in hopes of equipping students with enough information to make the right decisions when it comes to sexual activity.

“When you’re talking about, sometimes, people not even knowing that they are sexually assaulting someone, I think that’s a huge problem because it’s like we as a culture don’t know how to engage in healthy sexual behavior with one another,” Gordon said. “I think the only way you can start to change that is to talk about it.”