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When Will Penamon left Independence, Missouri, in the fall for Grand View University, he told his tear-faced mother, “It’s not goodbye; it’s a new beginning.” Will repeated the phrase every time he left the house to head back to Grand View. Since Will’s death on April 4, Amy Penamon and her family find themselves replaying the quote over and over and wondering how such a positive person could be so secretly sad and hurting deep down.

“It’s usually the ones who are always there for others who need the most help it seems,” Amy said. “Will was quiet and shy sometimes, but he was always actively engaged.”

On the court and in the classroom, Will was an outgoing and caring person but also quiet and shy at times.

“Will was a great leader who played a leading role for us on the court,” Grand View Assistant Basketball Coach Austin Schlatter said.

Will was the point guard on the JV basketball team this season as a freshmen, and basketball was where he established a lot of his friendships. This was true not only at Grand View but also in high school and at the youth levels. In addition to playing basketball, Will worked as a youth team coach.

“Will was a student who didn’t seem to engage much in class until it was time to get up and talk,” Grand View Speech and Theatre Lecturer Lee Tjelmeland said. “When he got in front of the class to do his speeches and I took the turn in the seat, it was obvious who Will was as a person. A kind-hearted individual who cared about others before himself.”

However, like Will’s mother said, it’s often the ones who are always putting others before themselves who struggle the most.

Will had another side to him that he never showed on the court or in the classroom. He often hurt, felt sadness and would become overwhelmed with negative emotions. Yet he never showed the depth of his sadness.

“He always talked to me, his father and all of his siblings about his struggles,” Amy said. “Nothing like this though. Nothing as extreme as this.”

Early in the morning, on Monday, April 4, at his home in Independence, Will had fought his emotions long enough and the side of him no one knew about or ever saw was exposed.

“I didn’t know what to do” Amy said. “I screamed and screamed; I just wanted to wake up from the terrible nightmare. I just want my baby boy back.”

When the Penamons realized Will was gone, it seemed surreal. Now that a few weeks have passed, it seems like both only a few hours since they last talked to Will and also a few years.

“I didn’t know how to react,” Tjelmeland said. “In fact I turned to others for help on digesting the information.”

Having to explain the facts surrounding Will’s death while also controlling her own emotions in front of an entire class was difficult for Tjelmeland.

“When I heard the news, I wish I could’ve gone back to the most previous class meeting and told not only him but all of you, don’t be afraid to speak up and speak out,” Tjelmeland said.

As a speech teacher who also teaches some courses about faith and life, it was hard for Tjelmeland to process. A lot of classes taught by Tjelmeland involve students interacting with one another and gathering the courage to express themselves to others.

“Will, there are always plenty of people that will talk to you and listen to you like you listened to them,” Tjelmeland said, thinking back to what she wishes she could have said to Will.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, approximately 14.8 million people are affected by depression in America every year. Only one-third of those affected talk to others about it or do anything to try and control it.

“I just wish he would’ve talked to me,” Amy said. “Just woken me up and just talked. He loved to talk.”

A shorter roster, an empty seat in class, one less smiling face in a family portrait. These are the new realities for those who knew Will. Moving forward will be difficult, but if Will’s life was any indication, that’s exactly what he’d want his friends and loved ones to do.